He'd Just Wanted Magic
by an-alternate-world
Summary: He'd just wanted a magic year and it had all gone so, so wrong. Today was the day that it became overwhelming and nearly swallowed him whole.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** He'd Just Wanted Magic  
><strong>Author:<strong> an-alternate-world  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T  
><strong>CharactersPairings:** Kurt/Blaine  
><strong>Word count:<strong> 4,887  
><strong>Summary:<strong> He'd just wanted a magic year and it had all gone so, so wrong. Today was the day that it became overwhelming and nearly swallowed him whole.  
><strong>WarningsSpoilers: **References to incidents in Season 3. **Triggers** for self-harm and suicide.  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I am in no way associated with _Glee, FOX_, Ryan Murphy or anything else related to the _Glee _universe.

* * *

><p>When he'd begun the year saying he wanted it to be magic, Kurt hadn't envisaged it going the way that it had. He hadn't imagined that he would lose the student election to Brittany, of all people, because she had betrayed him and his campaign. He hadn't expected Rachel to run against him. He knew Blaine was a better Tony and yet it still hurt that he hadn't been cast. Actually, no, it <em>destroyed <em>him because it wasn't just being not cast, it was being _laughed _at, by Artie, by Pillsbury, by Beiste and worst of all, by Rachel. The fact she believed he was still going to New York to pursue theatre after being so brutally broken down by people he considered _friends _or _respected_….no, no, he just couldn't.

He fingered the edge of his pillow as another sob slipped from his parted lips. Then there was the problems with Blaine. They used to agree on everything, speak for the other, be calm and happy and hopelessly in love and devoted. And then Sebastian had appeared and because of Finn treating Blaine like such a jerk, Blaine had drifted back to the Warblers. And Kurt couldn't fault them, because they were his friends too and they _were _wonderful boys and Blaine was happier after he'd gone out with them. Rachel griped about him being friends with the enemy but Kurt ignored a lot of what she said these days, losing himself in aimlessly drifting thoughts. Kurt couldn't blame Blaine for needing friends but…it drove a wedge between them with how openly and easily Sebastian flirted with Blaine and yes, okay? Yes, he was _jealous_ because Sebastian had a coy smile and experience and the mysterious aura around him was attractive to Blaine and it just _hurt_.

Things were strained at home too, because he still struggled to be honest with Finn after how badly he insulted Blaine at the beginning of the year, and his father was constantly campaigning for an election Kurt couldn't care less about. He was getting out of school in a few months anyway so what did he care about the arts and music getting cut.

And with the tension between Kurt and Blaine, Finn and Rachel, he had found himself increasingly isolated and alone. It was like the year before when Dave had been harassing him. He'd tried to ask for help, tried to confide in how he was being bullied, and everyone had looked the other way. And now…now he just…what did he have? He had no one to go to, no one to talk to, no one who wanted to listen.

He turned the orange bottle over in his hand, reading the faded label. The bottle was a vague collection of various pills: strong painkillers, sleeping pills, blood pressure medication. He'd pinched them slowly from the cabinets at home, or from Blaine's, or if he could find something when he was at someone's house. He didn't know what would happen. He hoped that the cocktail of things would just interract badly enough and…and it would stop. That maybe he could have some downtime from his thoughts and emotions and anxieties. His fingers traced over the shiny metal blade beside the bottle but he didn't really want to use it. He didn't want some sort of permanent reminder on his skin if he went through with this but failed. He didn't want to have some sort of external sign of what he'd done. If someone came in and saw him surrounded by blood, it would create a lot more panic than if he just seemed to be sleeping.

It wasn't like this was a new thing for him, to curl up in his bed and touch his prized escapes. He just hadn't used them. He hadn't had a reason for it. He hadn't felt so out of control and lost that it was the only solution. But now…now he ached. He wanted to claw at his eyes because he just couldn't escape his own thoughts. He was trapped in his mind and he couldn't get out.

It probably seemed like nothing to anyone else. An argument with Finn over song choice during Glee, a disagreement after school with Blaine because was going to hang out with Sebastian, Nick and Jeff instead of doing his homework with Kurt, another day of not seeing his father because he was so busy trying to get elected and had decided to eat out. It was just too much and he didn't want to be a part of it anymore and….and he just didn't. That was all he had. It mightn't seem like much but it was enough. It was the tipping point.

He bit his lip as he popped the white lid on the bottle, pills tumbling out onto his bed. Round pink pills and long white pills and small blue capsules and apricot-coloured tablets. He didn't remember what any of them were specifically anymore. They just _were_. He sniffled, remembering how hard he'd cried when he'd overheard the musical directors tearing him down. Could he really do this? Would anyone notice or even care? Blaine would, briefly. He'd move on, get distracted by Sebastian and the other Warbler boys and not be so tortured next year by the separation of Kurt being in one state and him being left in Lima. His father had Carole, and Finn had Rachel.

His hands were shaking as he picked up the first few pills and placed them on his tongue. They were bitter and his eyes burned with tears as he sipped the mouthful of water and swallowed. And it was like taking that first mouthful opened the gate, making it easier to swallow down another mouthful, and then another, until he realised he'd taken half the collection of tablets. He was still shaking, but it wasn't fear now. He was past that. The tears were still hot on his cheeks, pooling on his pillow in darkening patches. He was in the middle of another mouthful when his phone flashed with a call from Santana. Swallowing roughly, he picked up the phone and swiped at the answer button.

"What do you want, Satan?"

She huffed. "Well hi to you too. Okay, so I can't decide on a song for Glee this week and I really want it to be something special for Britt, and given that you have a fabulous music repetoire of Broadway numbers, I figured you would know something that was sufficiently wonderful."

His head spun a little as he clutched at the phone. "I have no idea."

"Oh please," she complained. "Your only rival for knowing a stupid number of songs is Berry. I need something that's caring and loving but not like, sickening. And that suits my sultry alto, of course."

"Tana," he rubbed at his forehead as the room swam in front of him. "I don't…I d-don't know. Can't think right now."

There was a long pause and Kurt felt his fingers tremble where they held the phone. "Kurt? Is everything okay?"

"Don't pretend to care," he muttered, heart pounding as he clutched the blankets closer. He only had about a dozen tablets left. Couldn't she just get off the phone and leave him be?

"I'm not going to pretend if I'm legitimately concerned," she said. Kurt could feel a tingling in his toes and he wriggled them under the covers. "I know we aren't close Kurt but what's going on?"

He shook his head and whimpered when he felt his stomach turn over.

"_Kurt_?"

"'s just a headache, Tan," he mumbled, eyes flickering shut. She hummed, clearly not convinced. "Don't wanna…" It felt like the world was shifting beneath the bed, like he was falling.

"You don't want to what?"

He opened his mouth to tell her except he'd forgotten what it was he didn't want to do. Was his tongue always that big in his mouth? Talking felt like such a strain. Thinking was impossible. Why did the world kept moving? Was there an earthquake in Ohio?

"An earthquake? Kurt, what on earth?"

Nothing made sense. Why was Santana on the phone to him? He couldn't remember why she had called and he barely even remembered what he'd been doing before, except that the pills and razor blade were kind of glaring reminders.

"Kurt? Is anyone with you?" His mind was foggy. His thoughts felt like he was trudging through molasses. "_Kurt_?"

He couldn't feel parts of his face anymore. He wasn't sure if his mouth was open or closed, if his tongue was moving or he was making sounds.

"Kurt? Talk to me. What's going on? Is Finn home?"

He wanted to say no. He tried to explain that Finn was out on a date with Rachel. That his father and Carole had gone to the movies for a night off. But he just didn't know if he was capable of speaking anymore. It was too hard. It was way too much of an effort and his eyes felt like ten pound weights were pressing down on his eyelids.

He heard Santana swearing at him but his grip on the phone was slipping, or gone. He wasn't quite sure because he couldn't feel his hands anymore and even the brush of the fabric on his cheek was barely noticeable. Everything felt so far away, so hard and not worth the effort. He was exhausted and could feel his body relaxing and giving in, and he reliquished control, succumbing to the pull of sleep.

* * *

><p>Blaine pulled a face when he saw Santana's name blinking across his phone obnoxiously. Nick, Jeff and Sebastian were talking about music and picking Blaine's mind for other songs they could sing a capella.<p>

"Problem?" Nick said, eyebrow raised when he caught the look on Blaine's face.

He shrugged. "Dunno." He sighed deeply and pressed the answer button. "Tan?"

"Something's wrong with Kurt," she said quickly, voice high and urgent. "I'm already dialing Finn's number on my home phone but you need to get to him."

"He's probably just tired, San," he said, rolling his eyes at the boys. "He was up ea-"

"Blaine, _listen _to me. He's not _tired_. There's something _wrong_. Please listen to me." She paused. "Hey Finn, I've got Blaine on my cell. You need to get home. Kurt's not…something's wrong."

Blaine couldn't hear Finn's response but he could hear the panic in Santana's voice and he started thinking of how distant Kurt had been lately, how they'd fought this afternoon until Kurt had turned away, shaking his head silently and climbed into his car without another word. With a painful tug in his chest, he realised that even when Kurt was tired, he didn't fall asleep on the phone. When Santana mentioned slurring words and earthquakes, he thought his heart stopped.

"No," he blinked, scrambling for his keys and wallet and fleeing from his three friends. "Tan, you need to get off the phone to Finn. Call an ambulance. I think Kurt's overdosed."

"_What_?" she shrieked. "No Finn, not you. Wait, Finn, get Berry to call 911. Blaine said Kurt's overdosed."

Blaine was running for his car, heart thudding and twisting while his mind screamed at him. He could hear Nick yelling out to him but he couldn't stop, couldn't pause, as Santana spoke back and forth between him and Finn.

"Berry's called an ambulance," she told him as he unlocked his car and slid into the front seat. "They'll be there soon."

His hands were shaking so badly he could barely get the key in the ignition. He could see the Dalton boys chasing after him but he couldn't explain, he didn't have the time, and maybe they'd know to follow him or go to Kurt's or something, anything, he just couldn't stop because he was driving out of the lot and speeding dangerously towards Kurt's house. He knew he wouldn't get there before the ambulance and maybe even Finn and Rachel depending on where their date had been but he needed to get there, he needed to be with Kurt.

He wasn't religious. He hadn't been religious since he'd come out to his parents, since he'd been assaulted within an inch of his life, since his world fell out from beneath him years ago. But driving to Kurt's house, he was already making deals and bargains. He'd study harder, he'd work out more, he'd drink more water, he'd eat better, he'd never leave Kurt alone again. Just please, please, _please_.

The flashing lights of the ambulance illuminated Kurt's house and Blaine could see neighbours peeking from curtains as he slammed the door to his car and raced into the darkened house and up the stairs.

"No, no no no no no," he moaned, clutching at the door as he saw the EMTs threading an IV into the back of Kurt's hand and muttering between each other rapidly.

"Kid? Who are you?"

He blinked, dazed, as he stumbled to the side of Kurt's bed, clutching at the cool, clammy hand of his boyfriend.

"Boyfriend," he whispered, tears streaming down his face. "Please, please, you have to…you can't…"

He cringed at the hand on his shoulder as he tangled his fingers with Kurt's, squeezing desperately.

"We need to get him to a hospital soon, kid," the gruff paramedic said as his partner shoved a board beneath Kurt's body so they could carry him. "What're you gonna do?"

Blaine looked up at him as if he was crazy. "I'm coming too." The guy nodded and then Kurt was being lifted and carried down the stairs quickly and onto a guerney and Blaine was only vaguely aware that he was crying and then Finn was there and Rachel was shrieking.

"I'm his _brother_," Finn yelled above the noise, silencing Rachel as the younger paramedic loaded Kurt into the ambulance and started hooking him up to a heart monitor.

The gruff EMT glanced from Blaine to Finn. "Look, I know it's family first but neither the kid nor your girl are in any state to drive. But you can. You're holding it together. Follow behind us, yeah?"

He didn't wait for a response as Blaine clambered into the back and the doors were shut and then they were moving and the ambulance was wailing and Blaine just wanted to put his hands over his ears.

"Why, Kurt? Why would you do this?" he whispered, thumb roughly pressing against Kurt's fingers. "I don't understand…I'll never understand…"

"Sometimes it's not something that can be understood," the paramedic offered gently as he monitored Kurt's heartrate and blood pressure, not happy at all how low it was.

Blaine looked up at him, almost forgetting that there were other people around. "But he's come so far…he has everything and I don't… What could have made this happen?" A sob bubbled up from his throat as he squeezed Kurt's hand.

"Are you able to give me some details about Kurt?"

Blaine was glad for his grip on Kurt's hand to hide how badly his were trembling. He listed everything he possibly could about Kurt but no matter how much he explained, he couldn't put together the pieces that led to _this_.

He wasn't allowed to go with Kurt when they arrived at the hospital, and a male nurse had to physically restrain him as he cried and fought to try and follow. Finn was there, blocking his view and Blaine all-but collapsed into his arms, sobbing and whimpering as he clawed at Finn's shirt. This couldn't be happening. It just _couldn't_.

"Blaine?" Rachel's hand was so gentle on his arm as she pulled him close to her, directing him into the waiting room chairs and holding him against her tiny body. "Shh…it's okay…it's okay…"

Her eyes were wet with tears as Finn begged for _any _information but it was still too early and Finn paced as he fiddled with his phone. He knew his mom and Burt still had at least an hour left of the movie and expected both their phones would be off and it was so utterly ridiculous. He tore at his hair in frutration and anger and hurt and threw himself into the chair beside Rachel's.

"F-Finn," Blaine was fumbling in his pockets and pulled out his phone. "C-call Nick or Jeff. I…please?"

"Sure dude," Finn agreed nervously, taking the phone and tapping through it until he found Nick's number. It started dialing and he held it to his ear.

"Blaine? Thank G-"

"It's Finn, actually," Finn interrupted, side-eyeing Blaine who was still quaking in Rachel's arms. If the situation wasn't so terrible, if he didn't know how hopelessly devoted to Kurt Blaine was, he might have felt jealous or angry but he couldn't.

"Finn?" There was a brief pause. "Oh! You're Kurt's stepbrother."

"Yes, I…" Blaine made a brief motion with his hand and Finn handed the phone over, wondering why he'd had to make the phone call in the first place if he wasn't going to get to speak.

"Nick, I _need _you here," Blaine whispered. "Kurt, he…he's…_please_…"

"We've been waiting in the car until you called," Nick said and Blaine could hear the engine of Jeff's car turning over. "Where are you?"

"L-Lima Memorial," Blaine stuttered, a fresh wave of tears rolling over him.

"Hospital? Jesus, Blaine, what's going on?"

But he couldn't say it. Not over the phone. "J-just…just get here, okay? Be safe."

"We'll be there in no more than fifteen," Nick assured, and Blaine hung up, phone slipping into his lap as Rachel surrounded his hands with hers.

"It'll be okay," she murmured, chewing on her lip.

"Don't make groundless statements," he replied as the hysteria ate at his nerves. If Kurt…if Kurt… He couldn't even think it.

For ten minutes, Rachel kept her hand on his back, rubbing back and forth along his spine as she gripped his hands. Then Finn saw Jeff and went to wave at him, but Blaine was already tearing himself away from Rachel to run to Nick, throwing his arms around the slightly taller boy's neck.

Nick glanced at Jeff and Sebastian as he held Blaine's waist tightly. "Blaine? What's happened?"

Blaine clutched at the jacket Nick was wearing, inhaling as best as he could. "Kurt's…he OD'd, Nick," he whimpered, voice tremulous.

Nick's eyes widened as he glanced between Jeff and Blaine, then surrounded Blaine's body better and hugged him tighter. There weren't words. He knew there weren't. Jeff hand was supportive on his shoulder and Sebastian stood to the side, hands in his pockets as he shifted uncomfortably. He might have been enamoured by Blaine at first but they'd since developed a pretty easy friendship and to see him so upset…he realised then that he'd never had a chance with Blaine, not while Kurt was around, and probably not when he wasn't either.

"How are you certain?" Nick asked, cupping Blaine's cheek to wipe at the tears marking his face.

"I'm n-not really," Blaine said, panting for breath. "He just… The c-call I got was from Santana. She said he'd been m-mumbling things about earthquakes." Nick nodded as he carded through Blaine's curls. "W-when I got to his house, he was s-so pale and his h-hands were cold and…and…and there was a pill cylinder thing on his bed. I saw it on the g-ground as they moved him and there w-were pills scattered on his bed."

"Oh Blaine," Nick sighed, hand supporting the nape of Blaine's neck as Blaine hung on desperately. "He had a heartbeat though? When they brought him in?" Blaine nodded as his fingers laced behind Nick's neck, the shock starting to dissipate as his anxiety increased. "Hey, shh, slow your breathing down or you'll have a panic attack."

"I…I…Nick…" His thoughts were starting to scramble and he felt his knees wobbling beneath him.

"Seb," Nick commanded softly, and together they directed Blaine back into the chair beside Rachel, Nick holding him tightly while Jeff crouched in front of him, hands on Blaine's knees. "Blaine…_Blaine_…shh…"

Sebastian wasn't even sure why he started singing but when Rachel joined in, Blaine started trying to focus on the quiet voices around him rather than his racing emotions and thoughts.

"That's it….there you go…" Nick encouraged, fingers scraping at the curls at Blaine's neck.

"Kurt's family, yeah?" A nurse had basically appeared out of no where. Jeff lost his footing and slipped backwards onto his ass awkwardly. Finn grabbed for Rachel's hand and wasn't even sure he was still breathing. Blaine was listening to the thud of Nick's heart and couldn't inhale until the nurse said something more. "We can't say much because his parents aren't here yet, but he's going to be fine."

"You're sure?" Nick clarified and Blaine silently thanked him.

"Physically, yes. We've got him on two IVs at the moment to counteract some of what he took so yes, he'll be fine," the nurse repeated.

The relief that rolled through Blaine left him trembling again as Finn decided that he probably should try calling Burt and his mom. He stepped away with a kiss to Rachel's hair as Blaine grabbed at Nick's shirt.

"He's going to be okay," Nick soothed, feeling at a loss for words. Sebastian hummed beside Blaine, moving between chorus' and bridges of songs in a neverending stream of notes.

Finn hadn't been able to get either parent and slumped back in his seat, turning the phone over as he waited the final twenty minutes of the stupid film.

It was nearly another hour before Burt rushed through the emergency door with Carole by his side.

"Kurt Hummel. What's going on?" Burt demanded from a nurse as Finn hurried over.

"Sir, if you'd just-"

"I won't take a seat! I want to know!" Burt yelled as Carole rubbed his arm.

"Sir, I can-"

"He tried to overdose," Finn cut in as Burt turned to him, eyes wide. "I don't know what he took or how bad it is. They wouldn't tell us but they…a nurse told us he was gonna be okay."

"Overdose?" Burt blinked, glancing from Finn back to the nurse. "He…Kurt tried to kill himself?"

Finn chewed his bottom lip, shrugging slightly. "You'll have to ask him that."

Burt looked past Finn's shoulder, seeing Rachel, Blaine and three kids he thought he recognised as Dalton boys. "How's Blaine?"

"Hysterical wreck," Finn supplied, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"I'll see what I can find out," Carole murmured, disappearing into the hospital labyrinth as Finn and Burt walked over to the small gathering of teenagers.

"Blaine," Burt said gently, and Blaine's head snapped up, his eyes so tortured and pained and his face red.

"I'm so sorry," he said immediately. "I should ha-"

"_No_," Burt was firm as he nudged the blonde kid out of the way to crouch in front of Blaine. "Don't you _dare_, kid. This isn't anything you could have known or seen, unless Kurt told you."

Blaine shook his head. "He didn't but-"

"Then don't apologise," Sebastian interrupted. "If you didn't know, then it's not your fault."

"But he'd been so distant. I should have realised. I should have known," Blaine shuddered.

Burt touched Blaine's knee. "Blaine, _no_. We all had a chance to notice and we _all _missed it. He's my _kid_. He's my son and…and I didn't…I never…"

Blaine gave a vague, extremely unconvinced nod, pressing his cheek back to Nick's chest and listening to the steady heartbeat and breathing, trying to slow his to match.

Carole returned, eyes shining as she reached for Burt and murmured in his ear. Burt's eyes clenched shut as he nodded and she stepped away to sit beside Finn.

"What…?"

"After they brought him in, he…he flatlined for thirty seconds," Burt murmured, and Blaine thought his heart stopped beating. "They don't think it'll cause any long-lasting damage b-but…" Burt shrugged as he scratched behind his ear.

"Blaine?" Sebastian said. Blaine was frozen. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. Kurt had died. Kurt had died for half a minute. His Kurt had…had…

"_Hey_," Nick said, shaking him and startling him enough that he gasped in a lungful of air.

Rachel was crying quietly against Finn and Burt felt utterly lost and just wanted to punch something. He thought Kurt had been beyond this, he thought Kurt was happy now. He never expected this. Never.

Burt took a seat beside Carole while the group waited until they were told they could see Kurt. Blaine couldn't get past that Kurt had actually….he just…he couldn't think it. It hurt too much.

A nurse finally appeared and told them Kurt was conscious and Burt insisted Blaine come with him, Carole and Finn. Nick gave him a tight squeeze and he wobbled to his feet, trailing silently behind Kurt's family while his heart became heavier with each step.

"Blaine?" Carole took his hand in hers and tucked an arm over his shoulders. "Come on, this is his room."

Blaine stared at the door with the small '2' on it as Burt pushed the door open and then followed. Kurt was crying against his father's chest, apologising over and over as tears streaked down his face.

"It's okay buddy," Burt whispered, even though it really wasn't okay. Finn stood near the wall, fidgeting with his phone as he looked back and forth from his mom to Kurt.

Blaine was paralysed, gripping Carole's hand so hard that surely it had to hurt, but he couldn't stop staring at Kurt. He could still see how ashen Kurt's face had been, remember how cold his hand was, remembered how he barely seemed to be breathing in the ambulance. And then he had stopped breathing. What would have happened if he'd stopped breathing when Blaine was with him? God…Blaine wouldn't have been able to _think_.

"Blaine," Kurt whimpered, swollen blue eyes finding Blaine's hazel. "B-Blaine…Blaine, I'm so…I'm s-so sorry…"

Carole nudged him forward and he stumbled the last few steps to Kurt's bed as Burt moved back. His fingers were already tangling with Kurt's as he crawled onto the bed and clutched at Kurt's body, and it was warm and alive and he found himself sobbing all over again as he felt Kurt's cries.

It wasn't until he'd basically cried himself out that he realised they'd been left alone in the room and he took the opportunity to cradle Kurt's cheek, wiping at the tracks of his tears and staring into the bloodshot eyes.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why would you do that? Why, after everything…why now?"

Kurt's lip trembled as fresh tears spilled down his cheeks. "I felt so alone a-and I just…I couldn't…I didn't want to…"

"It's never the answer," Blaine frowned, touching Kurt's puffy lips. "Never. I love you, Kurt. I love you _so _much and…and to…to not have you in my life anymore, I…I would…I just…." He shook his head as he pressed their foreheads together. "Please, _please_, don't _ever _feel that you have to do this again. I won't make you promise. I know it can be uncontrollable and I'm not going to add guilt to your grief." He brushed Kurt's hair behind his ear. "But please…call me or talk to me before, okay? Don't…I don't want Tan calling me like that again. I don't want _anyone _calling me like that again."

"I'm sorry," Kurt sniffed.

"Do you remember, after the musical," Blaine said softly, "and I took your hand and put it over your heart?" Kurt nodded and Blaine did the same again. "It stopped for thirty seconds, Kurt. That thirty seconds could have spelled forever. And I don't want that. I want _you_. I told you, Kurt. You complete me. You're my other half. And…and to think of not having you…"

Kurt apologised again but Blaine silenced him with a kiss, trying to pour all his love into it as he held Kurt close.

"We'll talk about why later," Blaine murmured when he pulled back. "We'll talk about why you wanted to, why you couldn't tell me before, why you've been gathering various pills for months, wh-" He caught the look on Kurt's face. "Yes, Kurt. I know you spent months planning this. This wasn't an irrational action, even if it was only something fresh that set you off."

Kurt nodded shakily, glad that he would get a brief reprieve, glad that Blaine hadn't dumped him and run away. He had been so terribly stupid. So, _so _stupid.

"I'm sor-"

"Shh," Blaine cut him off, finger to his lips as he tugged Kurt against his body and held his hands, careful of the IVs and the oxygen tube snaking from Kurt's nose. "Don't apologise because it's how you feel. I'm not going to hold it against you. Let's just…let's just snuggle now. We'll sort it out in the morning or whatever. For now, I just need to hold you."

When Burt re-entered the room, the sight of his son being held so tightly by Blaine, both boys fast asleep, caused yet another pang in his heart. It wasn't so much that he wasn't _needed_ anymore, just that Kurt had the world at his feet and he'd come so close…

He sighed, switching off the light and shutting the door quietly. They'd sort it out in the morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** He'd Just Wanted Magic  
><strong>Author:<strong> an-alternate-world  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T  
><strong>CharactersPairings:** Kurt/Blaine  
><strong>Word count:<strong> 4,011  
><strong>Summary:<strong> He'd just wanted a magic year and it had all gone so, so wrong. Today was the day that it became overwhelming and nearly swallowed him whole.  
><strong>WarningsSpoilers: **References to incidents in Season 3. **Triggers** for self-harm and suicide.  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I am in no way associated with _Glee, FOX_, Ryan Murphy or anything else related to the _Glee _universe.

* * *

><p>Blaine woke first the following morning, grunting softly at the crick in his neck as he blinked his eyes open. They itched from the crying, burned with exhaustion, and part of him just wanted to close them and maybe if he tried again, this whole thing would have been a dream. But Kurt was still breathing slowly against their joined hands, IV beeping quietly every twenty seconds and his stomach flipped over as he realised that no, it wasn't a nightmare. Last night had happened. Last night had nearly taken Kurt away from him. His eyes trailed over the gentle curve of Kurt's jaw and the flush high in his cheek and his eyes welled with tears, again, at how close he'd come. If Blaine hadn't…if Santana hadn't…<em>Santana<em>. God, had anyone called her?

As carefully as he could, he extricated himself from his boyfriend, grateful for once that Kurt was such a heavy sleeper and padded out of the room and down the hallway. He passed the nurse's bay and a few smiled at him as he nodded his head in respect, before he left the ward they'd put Kurt on and found a balcony where his phone had reception. He glanced at the small screen. 7.30am. She'd be awake by now. If she'd even slept. He went into the last received calls and tapped on her name, waiting, waiting, waiting.

"Blaine?" Her voice was scratchy and rough. "Have you any idea how much I've cried with fear _waiting_?"

He winced. "I'm so sorry, Tan. I fell asleep talking with and holding Kurt and I-"

"You mean he's okay?"

He sighed and looked over the skyline of Lima, at the sky brightening in the distance. "He's alive, yes," he clarified.

There was a pause and some rustling in the background. Blaine chewed his lip as he looked down, focusing on how many floors up he was. Ten? Twelve?

"Why do you say he's alive, hobbit?"

"Because he very nearly wasn't?" He cringed. That hadn't meant to come out as a question.

"What the _hell _is going on?"

"He…I was right…that he'd overdosed," Blaine mumbled. "He flatlined for thirty seconds last night and…" His voice cracked and he slid to the floor, back pressed against the balcony wall. "God, Tan. Thank you for calling him. Thank you for calling me."

He heard her sniffle followed by the tell-tale sound of blowing her nose. "I hadn't even planned to. I was going to talk to him at school. I just…I was impatient and I wanted answers for song selections. He…I can't believe it, Blaine."

"Me either," he whispered, tucking his knees against his chest as he gripped his legs.

"Are you going to school today?"

"No way." He wasn't going to school until he felt secure enough that Kurt was okay, that it wasn't something at school that had brought this on and made it unsafe for him to be there on his own. He wasn't leaving Kurt, period. "Just…say we're sick or something. I don't know if anyone else will know. I guess it'll spill out sooner or later but just…just keep it quiet, okay?"

"Sure," she breathed. "I'm truly sorry."

"You saved his life, Tana," he murmured, wiping his damp cheeks on his knees. "Don't ever apologise for that."

"Look Blaine, I gotta go because I need to pick up Britts but call or text me if you need, okay? I'll keep my phone tucked up my Cheerio skirt."

He rolled his eyes. "That was totally not an image I needed."

"I'm sure I could make you straight for my lady parts," she teased.

"Firstly, I'm pretty sure Brittany would string me up by my bowtie. Secondly, I'd _never _do that to Kurt, especially now. Thirdly, I'm _very _happy with Kurt's male parts."

"Yeah, that was sort of insensitive of me," she said. "Sorry."

"Accepted. Now go pick up Britters. I'll let you know how things go."

She said goodbye and hung up and he twisted the phone in his hands before tucking it back into the pocket of his jeans. He glanced at his fingernails, chewed down to the quick from the anxiety of the previous night. He could feel his heart speeding up with fear and needed to get back to Kurt, needed the reassurance that he was okay and alive. He was already stumbling back down pale green hallways, past the nurse's bay, into Kurt's room. The door hit the wall with a muffled bang and Kurt's eyes opened, glancing around wildly as he re-acquainted himself with his surroundings and caught Blaine's crazed eyes.

"Blaine?"

Much like last night, he was crawling back onto the bed, pulling Kurt against him. He was clinging, he knows he was clinging, but he just _needs_. He doesn't cry. He'd cried himself dry and now that he was thinking about it, he was ridiculously thirsty. But there's a panic in his heart which had been running through his veins the entire run back from the balcony and he hadn't had an anxiety problem like this in _years._

He can feel Kurt's hands dancing over his back, warm and reassuring and definitely alive, and he trembled a little, clutching him closer as he breathed into Kurt's neck.

"Never again," he whispered, searching for Kurt's eyes. "Promise me. Promise me. _Never_ again."

"I-I thought you weren't going to make me promise," Kurt said, eyes dropping to his lap.

Blaine felt so sick he thought he might just throw up. If Kurt can't promise him this… "I know. I know. I said I wouldn't make you but…but _please, _Kurt. I'm so frightened. I'm so scared that you're going to try again and this time it will be for far longer than thirty seconds and I…" His hand reached out to cradle Kurt's cheek. "I can't live without you. I honestly can't."

"You sound like you're quoting _Twilight_," Kurt mumbled.

"_Kurt_."

Kurt's eyes snapped up to meet his and they're an ocean of despair and pain and hurt and Blaine's breath caught in his throat. How had he missed this? How had he spent so much time with Kurt and missed how badly he was broken?

"I can't promise you," Kurt whispered, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes and slipping down his cheeks. "I can't because what if it gets too much again? What if I can't handle it? What if I become overwhelmed?" He sniffed and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, taking a shaky breath. "I don't want to make you a promise I can't keep, Blaine."

Surely, _surely_, Kurt can hear the shattering of his heart, the very splintering of his soul? He pulled back from Kurt, just enough so he can see him properly, and for a boy that walked with his head high at McKinley when Blaine first transferred, who thought he had an honest shot at senior class president, who is a few inches taller than Blaine when they stand next to each other, the boy in the hospital bed looks so small and timid and broken. Tears are dribbling down his cheeks as he curled up, sobbing, arms around his knees.

"I understand if you want to break up with me," he whimpered. "I understand if it's too much for you."

"_No_," he breathed, arms firm as he gripped at Kurt's arms and tried to pry apart the ball of a boyfriend before him. "Kurt, _no_. I'm _never_…why would you…? _No_."

"I know it's a lot," Kurt said, face against his knees. It's so reminiscent of Blaine when he was on the phone to Santana and his whole body ached with fear and pain. "I know it surprised you. I know you thought I was this strong, brave person but I'm none of that. I'm nothing, Blaine. I'm _nothing_."

Honestly, where the hell had Kurt been hiding this? He felt winded with the realisation that Kurt had been falling apart and he had no idea. He wanted to pull the thin nightgown off and check his body for scars because he couldn't help but wonder how Kurt had held it together this long without causing more damage to himself.

"Kurt, look at me," he whispered, tugging at Kurt's knees and trying to raise Kurt's face. Kurt nervously looked up, eyes red from crying. "Kurt, you're my _everything_. Even if you feel like nothing, you're not to me. You're my _world_." He shifted closer, shaking as he touched every part of Kurt he possibly could. "Do you know how terrified I was last night? Do you know that Rachel nearly cried her eyes from their sockets? Do you know that Nick had to hold me so I didn't break into a panic attack thinking you weren't going to survive?" He tucked a lock of hair behind Kurt's ear. "Sebastian and Rachel started singing so I didn't break down in the waiting room. I almost thought your father was going to have another heart attack because he was trembling so much."

"Stop," Kurt murmured, tossing his head from side to side. "Stop it. You're just saying that."

"I've never lied to you, Kurt. Not once. Not _ever_." He was close enough now that he could pull Kurt's quivering body into his lap and pressed a kiss to his hair. "Whatever you convinced yourself of last night, it's not true. I can't cope without you. Finn and your father…Rachel and Carole aren't replacements for _you_, Kurt."

A fresh sob erupted from Kurt's throat because it's like Blaine _knew_.

"And it's not just us that need you, Kurt," Blaine continued, hand rubbing up and down Kurt's back. "Glee club needs you too. The _world _needs you. You're going to change everyone's life that you meet, Kurt. I called Santana before. She cried all night. _Santana_. Santana crying for anyone other than Britters is like Rachel hitting a wrong note. It just doesn't happen." His hand supported the back of Kurt's neck against his chest, rocking them together, back and forth slowly. "We need you, Kurt. We need you and we love you and maybe this year hasn't been the kindest to you but that doesn't mean we've stopped caring. And me? God, Kurt. I love you _so _much and I _never _thought I'd be in this situation with someone who is as beautiful and strong as you."

"I'm not though," Kurt whispered, clutching at Blaine's arm.

Blaine shook his head and held Kurt tighter. "You are the strongest, bravest, most beautiful, most courageous, most intelligent boys I know. You have the voice of an angel and eyes that light up my life. I told you after that first night, after we made love after the first performance of the musical, that I was yours and you were mine for as long as you'd have me. That doesn't mean you get to quit early and leave me alone when I need you so much."

"But it _hurts_," Kurt sobbed, tilting his head back to meet Blaine's eyes. "It hurts, Blaine. I'm always alone and rejected. I'm useless and I'm not needed and everyone's always too busy to notice me or listen."

"Is that why you did it?" Blaine asked, gently thumbing away tears that make Kurt's cheeks shine. "Because you felt so isolated and abandoned by everyone?"

Kurt's eyes dropped with the anxiety of admitting his thoughts but it was confirmation enough.

"Even me?" Blaine said, voice cracking. "Even though I devote every minute I can to you?"

"You aren't happy though. You travel to Dalton once a week and you hang out with Nick or Jeff or Sebastian and you're not happy at McKinley."

"You silly, silly boy," Blaine chastised gently. "I'm never happier than when I'm at McKinley with you. You make my soul dance, Kurt. You make me remember how to breathe. Every day I'm blown away by how much I love you just a bit more than the day before."

"But I'm going to leave," Kurt said quietly. "I'm going to go to New York and you're going to be here and you'll be alone at that awful school."

"You know what?" Blaine said, kissing Kurt's forehead. "Stop worrying about what _I'm _going to do or how _I'm _going to feel because _I _know I'm strong enough. And more than that, there are other options. Do you really want to go to New York feeling like this? You could stay here, take some classes as Ohio State, transfer and start with me. We could still start over. We could have everything we ever wanted when you first got back from New York and told me your plan."

"But Rachel…"

"Rachel will understand," Blaine said gently. "Rachel would probably kill Barbra Streisand if it would make you happy and keep you alive."

Kurt laughed breathily. "That's kind of dramatic."

"Rachel is kind of dramatic," Blaine replied earnestly.

Kurt fell silent, cuddling into Blaine's arms and trying to draw from his strength and solidness, his security and support.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he said finally.

Blaine hummed, a clear indication he should continue.

"I…you were right, last night. That I'd been gathering pills for months. I don't…I don't even remember when it started. Maybe after I got rejected for Tony." Blaine's arms tighten automatically. God, it had been six months since that. _How _had he not spotted anything sooner? "It was…it was just a small thing. Like a relief that I had a way out if I needed it but I…I never expected to use it."

"A lot of people never do," Blaine acknowledged, dropping his cheek to rest against the top of Kurt's head. "Sometimes it's just comforting to know that you have the power but you don't use it."

Kurt bit his lip. That was it _exactly_.

"And then there's a moment, a time that you feel so broken, so upset, that you can't see it getting better. It becomes overwhelming, impossible to breathe or to think and all you want is just a little bit of downtime, just a little bit of time to yourself to take a time out." Blaine sighed, fingers lacing with Kurt's. "Maybe you didn't really _want _to die. You just wanted the hours of silence, to stop everything from thrumming through your head. And you start convincing yourself that no one will notice or care. That they're better off without you because if they don't talk to you, it means you're not noticed and they wouldn't notice your absence."

"H-how did you know?" Kurt said after Blaine went silent. "That's…that's exactly how I felt."

"Because I've been there," Blaine admitted, not surprised at Kurt's inhale. It wasn't something he'd talked about since he'd first transferred to Dalton, when Nick had caught him sitting by a tree and crying a few weeks after he'd started. "I've been in a place where nothing is going to get better, where your world falls out from under you and you don't feel that there's any reason to go on. And I've gotten back from that with the help and support and comfort of my friends." Mostly Nick and Wes, and then Kurt's silent strength even though he hadn't known.

"Who…who saved you?"

"Saved me?"

"Like…like who found you? What did you do?"

He honestly wasn't sure it was something he wanted to go into. He doesn't want to give Kurt ideas for future attempts.

"I didn't actually _do_ anything," he said. "Not really. I…I'd taken a few sleeping tablets one night and felt the world fall away. I knew deep down it wasn't going to kill me but I just needed those hours off, to silence my mind and get some sleep. I overslept, badly, and missed most of the morning of classes and faked sick for the afternoon. I ended up going for a walk and Nick found me." He could still see it if he closed his eyes. How warm the sun was on his face and yet he couldn't feel it because he was so cold inside. His hands were trembling and he still felt dizzy with the after effect of too many pills. "He refused to leave until I told him what was going on and…and he was really great. He's been there ever since. He's one of my best friends and I know he'd drop everything to be there for me, like he was last night." His fingers stroked through Kurt's hair absently. "He came back to my room and tossed out the pills I still had. He roomed just down the hall and said that no matter what the time was, if I felt that way again, I was to come and get him. I felt so guilty for so long with how much I used to wake him up, crying and shaking because I just wanted it to stop so badly. And he'd pull me inside and let me talk it out until I fell asleep, utterly exhausted."

"He sounds like a great friend," Kurt whispered, wondering why he'd never really noticed that side of Blaine's friendship with Nick before.

"He went away over a long weekend while I stayed at Dalton. My father had called and said he didn't want me to come home and I just freaked out. I didn't have anything, Nick didn't even let me keep scissors in my room, and I ended up throwing things everywhere in a rage, screaming. Wes found me on the floor, mid-panic attack and called Nick who talked him through what to do." The incident with Wes was vague at best. He'd been able to hear but it was like he couldn't see. He couldn't control the shaking of his body and everything had just shut down as he gasped for breath until he'd heard Nick's voice on speaker singing and Wes had joined in. And somehow, the two had brought him around, his mind slowly clearing as he focused. Nick had promised he'd call later, and Wes had helped him restore his room back to order before asking for an explanation.

"Eventually, the story was explained to Jeff but he's always treated me more carefully than Nick and Wes. He doesn't handle the emotional outbursts well because I think he's terrified that he'll say the wrong thing and I'll end up worse." He tilted Kurt's head and kissed over his face softly. "So I know what it's like. I know exactly what it's like. And I know that a promise is impossible but…but I'm _here_. I'm here and so are Finn and Rachel and your dad and Carole. I'm pretty sure Tana and Cedes would answer your calls, and Quinn and Tina. You've got everyone wrapped around your pale little fingers and all you need to do is ask."

Kurt sucked in a breath, struggling to comprehend a side of his boyfriend he'd never seen before. They'd never really discussed Blaine's attack or the aftermath, but suddenly Blaine hanging out with Nick and Jeff so often made more sense, and stepping away to answer a call from Wes who was at Yale. It wasn't that they were trying to steal him away or make him go back to Dalton. They were just trying to check in with him, make sure he was okay and coping and reaffirming promises that had stood for years. God, he was so _stupid_.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered again, listening to the steady beat of Blaine's heart beneath his ear.

"Don't apologise for how you feel, Kurt," Blaine said gently, squeezing Kurt's hand. "Apologise for your actions, maybe. Try and make sure they don't happen again, definitely. But don't apologise for how you feel."

Kurt gave a wobbly nod and tucked himself tighter against Blaine's body. Blaine's chest resonated with a soft hum and soon Kurt found himself unable to stay awake, eyes slipping closed and drifting off to sleep.

* * *

><p>Burt arrived not long after Blaine had soothed Kurt to sleep, but he'd kept humming and rocking rhythmically because it helped keep him calm too. A nurse walked in with Burt, but paused at the door.<p>

"Can you come back later?" Burt questioned, and she nodded, disappearing as Burt quietly shut the door behind him. "How's he doing?"

Blaine looked down, his boyfriend's face so peaceful and calm. "I think he's emotionally spent."

"Did he…"

"Tell me why?" Blaine finished. Burt nodded, fingers twisting in his pockets as he sat in one of the plastic hospital chairs. "I more guessed at it and he confirmed it. He just felt really alone and scared. I think it's been coming a while. He's been under so much stress and yesterday it just broke."

Kurt snuffled against him, a tiny noise of discontent falling from his lips. Blaine hummed a few more bars until Kurt's twitching settled and turned his attention back to Burt.

"I want you to know I'm not leaving him," Blaine said, feeling sort of fiercely protective of his boyfriend. "I hope I've made that clear to Kurt and I want you to know that I can handle this. I'll handle anything to see Kurt happy again."

"Don't end up pulling yourself down though, kid," Burt said, eyes focused on his son's tranquil face.

"Leaving him _would _pull me down," Blaine replied, lips pressing to Kurt's hair. "I think he'll be okay. It might take some time and a lot of patience and care and love, but I just think he's felt really lost this year and if everyone can just…I don't know. Not mollycoddle him but pay a bit more attention and take the time to notice that just because he's not saying anything doesn't mean he's not there, then I think he'll be okay."

Burt grimaced before leaning back in his chair with a sigh. "Is this my fault? Did I miss this? You said it's been coming for months."

"It's no more my fault than yours, Mr Hummel," Blaine said.

"_Burt_."

"Burt, then," Blaine said with an eyeroll. "If I can't blame myself for not picking up on this properly, neither can you. You didn't know the signs."

"And you did?"

Blaine's gaze moved from Burt's eyes back to the top of his boyfriend's head. "Yes. I was telling Kurt before you got here that I've been in the same place. It's why I knew how he felt."

Burt sat forward, hand touching Blaine's knee awkwardly. "That's still not a reason to blame yourself though," he repeated. "And I knew Kurt hadn't coped well last year. My heart attack and then that damned Karofsky kid abusing him really battered him. I heard him cry himself to sleep. After he went to Dalton, I cleaned his room one Sunday and found a hastily scribbled note that was basically a goodbye letter." He shook his head and sighed again. "I should have confronted him but I was terrified. I thought he was happier at Dalton because he was safe, and then I thought he was happier because of you."

"Sometimes rays of light don't illuminate the darkness as well as we might think," Blaine said softly, quoting one of Nick's favourite lines.

Burt shifted and leaned back in his chair. "You're good to him, Blaine. I'm glad he has you. I'm proud of who my kid has become since he's known you."

Blaine felt the tears rush from God knows where. "You raised an excellent son, Burt. I'm lucky to have him and I will spend the rest of every day making sure he knows it."

Burt grunted and fell silent. Blaine went back to rocking Kurt back and forth, back and forth, and humming any song he could think of that Kurt liked listening to. It was going to be okay. Yes, it would probably take time and it wasn't going to be totally easy, but they had each other and Blaine was determined to prove to Kurt that he wasn't isolated. Maybe his senior year hadn't been magical, but Blaine _would _make the rest of his life that way.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Sometimes I fall in love with a story so much I just want to add to it and hope that it's half as good as the original. Forgive me. Love me. Feed me reviews. Take care of yourselves, and know that you aren't ever truly alone either. xx


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